The Blind Man Society

An Unpublished Journal Entry

My thoughts are a swirling vortex.

I try to catch myself engulfed in it, get hold of the ladder, and scamper up before I continue submerging in. Some days I voluntarily go down the ladder, one step at a time, and there are days when I dive in headfirst. There are mornings I wake up in the swirl and don’t realize I am in there and continue to swim down. I’ll realize I am in the midst of a whirlpool and make the conscious effort to stay in there. Maybe this is from bracing the detrimental thoughts, an act of internal bravery I suppose. I stay in for the occasional butterflies that flutter across the brightly decorated escape. A ladder that overtime has been covered in rhinestones and childhood stickers that deserved to have been peeled off that sticker page. I struggle with the idea that, although, I may be trying to make the best in this vortex, in doing so, am I doing a disservice to myself by staying in?

Am I drowning?

The thoughts in there are powerful. Like Hades from Disney’s Hercules pushing me into a sea of dead souls that cling on and restlessly pull me down. Depending on the mindset of the day, these souls can look different. Sometimes they can start as “what if’s,” and quickly swirl into regret, guilt, anger and shame.  Try to shut them out and they will grab your hair, rip your favorite green ivory pants, yank on what they can to pull you down further. Disguised as comforting faces, familiar emotions- my wide-eyed, naive nature gets sucked in giving them the extra fabric they forgot to utilize. 

The vortex requires sacrifices.

There’re a few ways to make it back to the ladder. Just like Herc, if I can offer love, acceptance and understanding; enlightened me finds it easier to grab on with these divinities and escape back to reality. These thoughts are mine; these restless souls are curated by my own experiences. Did I just throw them down there for “safe keeping?” Restless as they may be, these versions of me that seek healing, support and acceptance have validity. I created this, I can learn to manage this.

I am the souls.